I never really thought about receipts and how they work, I always just figured they are printed on with normal ink, the way we print our regular papers.  But one day I was polishing my finger nails (it is somewhat therapeutic -_-), and I decided that I didn't want it to spill all over my desk or carpet if I messed up, so I put a receipt under my fingers.  The clear nail polish landed on my receipt (yeah, clumsy!), so good thing I put it there.  But when I saw the receipt a few hours later, I noticed where there was clear polish, there it appeared blackish green.  I started dabbing polish onto the receipt like crazy because I was confused about whether or not I was mistaken, and I thought it was pretty cool!  Here is a time-lapse video of how it looked:

I was washing the many dishes that have accumulated over the week today and came across some bad feelings from the past.  During my spring break, I flew up to Chicago to spend time with my then bf.  Since he had a few exams coming up, I cooked for him to save him time from having to leave the dorms and come back.  I told him to rest or study while I was cooking, and that I'd take care of the dishes also, so he could use his time wisely.  I felt really happy being able to be there for him, and see that he was fed instead of forgetting food over studies.  It brought me a lot of joy seeing him eat, because I always thought him to be a little too thin (6 ft 1 @ 145 lbs?). 

But while I was washing the dishes, he noticed that I was using cool water instead of warm.  He asked me why I didn't use hot water since it would make the dishes cleaner.  I told him it was because hot water made my hands hurt and dried them out; but he kind of looked dismayed and turned the water kind of hot anyways.  It was a little too hot, and I wish he would have told me to turn it warmer in a kinder manner.  I figured he was just being impatient because he had a lot on his plate, but it still hurt me a lot.  Every time I wash dishes in extremely hot water, I think of him and how much hurt I felt that day.  This probably makes him sound horrible, but for the most part he took pretty good care of me, mentally anyways.  He was actually really sweet other than that.  He always listened, and he always cared.  But things have changed.  They have changed, and I don't think they'll ever go back.  And though sentimental parts of me wish things could, I've realized that there are a lot of traits that I am looking for that he didn't always display, and he knew that.  And he felt pressure to live up to whatever things I did (not that I asked him to =; I paid a lot of attention to all the small things).  So I guess I'll admit that I wouldn't want things to go back, for his happiness and my own.  This way we can both be ourselves and hopefully find a person who can deal with our tendencies without wishing for too much more.  He was so metal sometimes; and I was so flesh.

There are parts of me that are upset by how much about him and about us that I am already forgetting from lack of recall, since I've been trying not to think about him.  It reminds me a little of this week's HIMYM, where Ted could still recall all those things about Robin, and how they noted that dating someone is like taking a course about them.  We learned a lot about each other in our almost three years together; we learned a lot about ourselves.  He was my first everything. 

But I don't suppose he will be my last =). 

The surgeons that I met at the program did note that it was better to be alone than to have someone that will discourage you from being who you are and what you want to be.  There are parts of me that would rather take the lone path, but I think that is just the slightly cynical/afraid-to-be-vulnerable side of me.

So I went to Garba today!  A while ago, my friend Adithya invited me to go to this meeting where we learned a 12-step dance for Garba; it was quite interesting but I am terribly uncoordinated.  So for the real Garba I went with him and my roommate.  Our friend, "Moose" also attended, but he did so for a class he is taking about India.

For the 2nd Red Cross Meeting, our theme was Halloween.  We made goody bags for kids with safety tips too!  All the officers agreed to dress up in costumes, but only three people did.  Two dressed as nerds, and I dressed as a cat.  (I've never wore a nerd 'costume' before, but I guess people wouldn't be able to know the difference O_~!).

Here's me:

There's this guy on Xanga who has been talking to me a lot recently.  He seems nice, but with most people I feel pretty trusting by nature, but for some reason I can't find myself trusting him.  He hasn't really said anything to me personally to make me not trust him, but just things here and there just make me uncomfortable.

For example, this is written in his profile:

Red flags 1: manipulation, sex
Red flags 2: Can't live without a brush?  Prized possessions, "NUTS!"...

Then he keeps sending me a million messages a day, which I don't mind, but as an introvert I feel like my bubble is kind of being violated!  I know it is hypocritical, and terrible, but I like when people initiate talk sometimes, but sometimes I like space and to be the one who approaches too.  But he approaches me too much, and when that happens I get stressed out. It makes me want to retreat and block him, but that would be really unkind of me.
 
I don't mean to violate privacy by posting his messages here, since there's probably a reason why he chooses to private message me instead of commenting publically, but his messages sometimes make me uncomfortable. 

For example:

Yes, he is right when he says "It's okay to think, talk, or comment about sex."  Sure, I can laugh at that sort of stuff, and I can talk about it too, but quite frankly he is still very much a stranger to me.  And, I don't want to be a total prude, but 1) I'm not a fan of raunchy humor, 2) I am definitely not turned on by that sort of stuff (etc.) 3) I think things like sex are semi-sacred, sure it is awkward and maybe fun and fun to laugh about, but I would save that sort of talk for someone I was very comfortable with and very emotionally attached/close to.  Because otherwise it is cheapened in some ways.

I guess one of the things that bothers me is that I don't really know him well enough, but he seems to think that I have a good understanding of him, he keeps trying to tell me to do things/reassure me about them (sing, comment, etc.) but I don't know him well enough to be doing such a thing, and I don't entirely trust him, so that kind of is affecting my entire mind frame every time he interacts with me.  I feel bad because when he writes he seems fairly honest and tells me a lot, but he's just the type of person that makes me slow to trust.  (You know how some people just seem really genuine or forthright so it is hard to not trust?  Those people I'd trust in an instant.  & that is how most of the people I have encountered on Xanga seem.  But he doesn't have that effect on me).

So basically I want to know, where can I draw a line to decide when someone is truly invading my bubble, and exactly how I should proceed with this sort of thing? Any advice would be appreciated. n_n  I feel a little bad for being so distrustful.  =

I'm trying to study and finish another post, but there are so many helicopters zooming around outside, because our school has had three major threats already today:

I know the third one should be really frightening, but, it is hard not to laugh at the description.

The first time the sirens went off, I was on my way to class and noticed how nobody seemed to care about the sirens.  They need a better system, because those sirens were not alarming (har har).

I remember last time we got an alert on campus that I remember was during the summer; the alleged gunman was actually 3 minutes from my dorm, and I received the warning text while I was on my way back from classes.  I was really depressed then, and I actually was happy to be walking toward my dorm at such times.  Though I wouldn't ever be selfish enough to put myself (& consequently others) in danger because of a down mood.  This brings me to realize that I have made a lot of progress in my healing since we (ex- & I) broke up.  (It is always hard with the first heartbreak; I suppose with all others too, if it is genuine).  But I am a lot happier now, except when I think too much about him (which I rarely do, so no worries).  My eyes are now open to the things that created rifts in our relationship, and things that I need to improve to make myself a better person for whoever might be my future someone, if he exists.  Things that I am searching for in my future someone also.

I might add that I think the cutest guys are somewhat nerdy.    But human at the same
time.  (Sometimes I felt like my ex- wasn't human; he lost touch with
the human world sometimes when his curiosity went overboard.  Sometimes he would forget me amidst his studies, but no one likes to feel neglected...-_- [am I that boring or unappealing?  Math is more attractive than me? ]).  And then there is nothing like a sentient, compassionate being that also hasn't lost their sense of curiosity. n_n!  I have a friend whom's heart one could win with food, but I think with mine if you talk nerdy...(& talking music sure doesn't hurt either, unless you hate the music I love!).

Will reply to comments if I can get my work done!    I like to take my time & think out the things I have to say.

& my layout is xkcd themed. (:  It has been ages since I have had solid colors entirely, and such simple colors.

I am home this weekend, but will be leaving for Tampa in a bit.  For breakfast I had some chocolate muffin remnants, and sunflower bread.  Sunflower bread.  Sunflower bread brings back memories--as a kid, I would munch on it; there was also white mountain bread, which my mom preferred, but sunflower bread was always a favorite of mine.  Especially when bought the day it was made.  I could probably finish a loaf of it by myself.

I went swimming yesterday (YES! another sticker/X for my incentive chart!); my joints are a bit sore consequently. 

But the sunflower bread brought back memories of the days of swim team that was good.  I feel bad, I often associate swim team with bad memories of exhaustion and over exertion.  But it was actually a very fun time in my life.  The sunflower bread reminded me of one of my last swim meets.  A group of us were going to regionals, I believe, and we all munched on one of the most delicious loaves of sunflower bread as we sat in the van together, maybe occasionally bursting into song, or conversations about strange things (they kept talking about the Saw series at one point, which made me queasy--I have no guts).  This train of thought led to a cascade of memories; chilling with one of my best friends, the stressful breakfasts we ate prior to the meet (never hungry before meets!), and the fun we had cheering for each other.  I forgot how nice it was being so spirited; hollering at the top of my lungs.  And sometimes I forget how much I enjoy challenging myself, because I get caught up thinking about the stress involved.

Swim team was very fun; I wish, I was like Cecelia and wrote about how AWESOME it was.  Then I could look back and remember that aspect more.  Essentially I haven't given it the credit it deserved.  Reading her old posts reminded me of fun days.  And we were actually talking about swim team recently .

---

I was eating some soup with corn in it, made by my mom.  And it suddenly occurred to me that fresh corn has a flavor in it that reminds me of the smell of rain.  It will be weird when it rains now, because I will start picturing and tasting corn. 

I had a good talk with my mom yesterday night.  It is nights like that that make me feel like I should go home more often; but at the same time, I have very few weekends off--I have to study a lot, and I also need to spend time with friends outside of the classroom.  Hmm.

I'm one of those people who most people will either think is really nice, quiet, and maybe a bit timid.  And 99% of the times I act the way I think, and all my thoughts are as nice as they come across.  I rarely think poorly of others, maybe slight aversion, but I generally give a good chunk of benefit of doubt.  Honestly, who am I to judge?  (Nobody!  Exactly, so I try not to when possible, or I logically try to find reason to think better).

But from time to time I find some extremely brutal things pop out of my mouth.  Things that I didn't even think through, and didn't even mean, completely*.  Then I feel really embarrassed and somewhat horrible.  Perhaps I will explain this after I clear the air with my apology; but I don't know if that is enough. 

*This happens sometimes when I am caught off guard; I like surprises, but some surprises really don't work well with me.  And I also don't like big leaps; small steps are better.

I'm not brutal by nature, I am actually fairly warm and fuzzy, though maybe I don't expose that a lot.  (Then people who don't know me at all probably think I'm just one of those cold intellects O_~; I guess it doesn't help that I am very serious a lot of the times.  Depends on the setting--I love joking around a lot tooo). 

Red Cross officer meeting/movie night tonight!  Hope it isn't anything scary :O I have no guts. o_o (whimper)

(Better do this before I forget)
Yesterday I attended a barbeque for women interested in surgery.  It was an enlightening and inspirational experience.  I am a long ways from entering med school (maybe not temporally, but as far as tasks ahead), and an even longer way from needing to decide what I want to do with myself potentially as a doctor.

Before I arrived I was in a slightly panic mode because I realized the attire was business casual but all I had brought to school was lax clothing and flip flops/sneakers for lab/exercise.  I ended up wearing a slightly too casual black dress and borrowed some shoes (which were too big, but since I didn't have any napkins, I had to stuff them with receipts, lol.  Yay, resourceful?).  I'll have to remember to bring some tidier clothes from home =.

Then since I decided to carpool with some friends, I was slightly anxious because I noticed we were probably going to be late (which is okay, but I was slightly intimidated/confused by the whole event since it was hosted at a doctor's house, but they offered valet parking...what the heck?).  I offered to drive since one of my friends is a crazy crazy driver (seriously, last time I rode with her all my friends and I thought we might die; she gets distracted by everything and often forgets to brake...meanwhile a lot of stomping is heard since everyone else is stomping on imaginary brakes for her), and the other one had already driven pretty far to get to school to meet us.

After arriving at the doctor's house castle, we were all really relieved to have arrived as a group, and we mingled for a while with two third year med students and listened to advice and adventures of med school.  All so exhilarating !  And we got folders filled with brochures about medical equipment (i.e. robotic surgery/da Vinci!! Which I talked about at my med school interviews), studies on why women are deterred from surgery, issues and the like.  It was funny how all of us felt like the folders were our equivalents to goody bags--I can't wait to read through this stuff, once I clear my plate (aka physiology lab report).

After mingling, taking a group photo, and eating, we sat in a large mass and listened to a panel of women in surgery, most younger/just starting, but some seasoned.  This portion of the event was rather inspirational, but I was surprised by how many of the doctors ended up where they were; (many of them said their first motivation for getting in/practicing medicine was that someone had told them that they could not do it [surgery, etc.] as women).  In fact many of them said they weren't even interested in medicine most of their time in undergrad.

So they tried to quell our fears of not being able to have family life, but also left us with a few points of caution.
-- 2 med students told us about how after delivering a baby they decided they probably wouldn't want kids.  Or would have to be really doped up.  @_@
-- Dr. Ross (the doctor hosting the event) said that if we wanted our own kids we would have to have it extremely well planned out--we would have to plan to not appear pregnant before things like interviews (because many places apparently would avoid pregnant women/mothers because they don't want to spend resources training someone who may be out a lot on maternity leave, or who will decide not to continue on as a doctor so they could just spend time being a mother), and then plan to be pregnant hopefully before starting our own practices.  She actually said a good time is when we're still in the learning process rather than the practice.  (Mentally I looked like O_O, but I think I looked calm; I'm trying to imagine having to study with a baby in arms?  And since babies/aliens are adorable it'd be treacherous to ignore them).  She says there is a lot of compromise involved, as far as family life is concerned.  
--  Finding a good husband might be hard.  It would require for me to find someone who is really understanding, patient, and can make everything work with me.  Some of the doctors spoke about ex-s that held them back and wouldn't support them in their choice to be a surgeon.  And how it was hard enough having friends and family discourage it, but a spouse/SO...Dr. Ross said before she married her husband she made sure it was clear to him that she wouldn't have time/didn't cook, clean, & stuff like that.  (Not that I have cooking skills anyways -_-).  And then apparently some guys can't stand to have someone they aren't taking care of/winning bread for, since surgeons are pretty independent on those lines.

One of the coolest surgeons there was single, and mentioned that a lot of the other women she also worked with were too.  And they talked about how important our career choice was, since generally our careers span 40 years of our lives.  Don't do what we don't want to do; don't let people stop you from doing what you want to do.
--Some of the old-fashioned men are still discriminate women; but more and more of those are retiring, and more and more women are seeking jobs as surgeons, etc.  Similarly, get we might have to get used to raunchy jokes, since often times surgeon teams are filled with men who forget that a woman is around. >_>
--I probably couldn't be a pediatrician.  I would like for my patients to like me , and I don't want to have to bribe them with candy.

I love working with my hands, so I think it might be awesome to be a surgeon.  Like they said, it isn't about ego, it is about helping people, and the feeling of touching a life.  I also think surgery is very practical.  I wish to go abroad someday and help people (which idealistic as it might sound, I really hope to do it).  If I had a rather lax profession, it might not be as useful/vital in, say, a developing country.  I'd like to make changes that I can see, whether immediate or gradual.

But I have time!  And I need to shadow.  And I need to do all sorts of things, like study, so I can get there!

I'm still concerned about when would be a good time to have kids, if I were to want/have my own.  I actually am more interested in adopting, but I guess this is all moot until I find a good solid relationship, or stability as my own entity.  And sometimes I think I'm too young to be thinking about this stuff.    I shouldn't take things too too seriously, or too lightly I suppose, but taking things too lightly has never been a problem for me.  I'm generally pretty good with sensing when and when not to laugh.  And now I'm rambling again.

Why so serious?  (I haven't even seen Dark Knight, so it is silly quoting; but seriously..).

(Rambling update)

Today I went to the library in the morning to work on my lab report for physiology.  Which reminds me why I almost never go to our library.
--The lighting in most areas makes me dizzy since it is usually fairly dim
--I was attacked by ants--on the fifth floor
--There really weren't that many sources I couldn't find online instead.  Though there is a certain feeling that comes with using really books (you know, a romantic good ol'-days feeling?)...
--When I have been there, people on their phones sometimes disturbed me (it is bad, but a lot of the times I can't help eavesdropping o_o); so naturally when I got a call today I panicked, because I didn't want to be a nuisance, but at the same time I didn't want to pack all my stuff to get a call (otherwise my stuff might be stolen >_>).  Panicked is an overstatement, but I can't think of a word right now.

In my own room I have the luxury of playing my music aloud and occasionally singing; food without ant problems (so far, anyways), good lighting, etc.  But there are distractions everywhere that often wipe my mind from the task I had at hand. 

---

Yesterday I went to Walgreens and when I was checking out, I handed the cashier the Weekly Ad so they could reuse it.  He said that he didn't need it, and I could just keep it, so I set it down (to pay) and told him I'd just put it back where I got it from myself.  After paying and the cashier trying to elicit some facial expressions from me (he pretended to break one of my items, just to see if I'd make a sad face or something), I picked up the Ad and put it back.  He seemed really surprised and said he was betting with himself that I would have forgotten.

I'm usually really good about keeping my word; I do what I say I will do, or if not I'll warn ahead of time or I'll [try to] make amends.  I would never want to be associated as the type of person who just blah-blahs and says they'll do things and not do them.  >_> I try hard to be reliable because it helps establish a sense of trust--for other people, but also for myself.  I establish myself as a person who is approximately the same inside and out, though I can't say I am constant.  I am constant in belief, but in behavior I take on something similar to the chameleon effect.  If I find the person to be talkative, I'm a good listener; quiet, I talk a little more (try to lessen awkwardness; though a lot of times silence is also quite comfortable).

I am also very transparent.  A lot of the things I think or feel are often manifested in my facial expression or how I might respond verbally (tone/inflection/hesitance).  It is rare that I say anything that I don't mean, and when I do it generally pertains to things that I don't think matter that much anyways, or is rather sensitive to personal opinion (i.e. fashion, not saying I don't care, it's just since everyone's styles differ, we're entitled to different opinions, and I wouldn't want to suppress/sway someone's true opinion; it's not like it harms anyone [?]).  So essentially I never mislead intentionally (I just try to be evasive!), and so whatever someone sees or hears from me is generally what I think/feel, no over-analysis necessary.

That was actually one of the major problems I had with my ex.  There were some things that he would want me to semi-psychoanalyze about him, when I'd rather him just tell me outright.  A lot of times I over think things and it induces a lot of stress.    So it isn't that I'm dense and don't like to think, it's just that it could reduce my stress by just being clear. 

---

Today I went to a BBQ, but I'd rather write (details) about that later.  It was for women interested in surgery, and it made me quite excited.  I have a long, long road ahead of me; not even close!  But there are things that I have to keep in mind and not let my troubles cloud my vision.

Sometimes I feel like I allow school to turn off the curiosity and excitement of learning.  Instead, because of all the stress of deadlines and homework, I end of associating the stuff I learn with STRESS, STRESS, & STRESS.  If only we could slow down and learn these things at a leisurely pace.  And also taking things so seriously also takes out some of the fun.  =

Hmm!