January 28, 2010

• Valentine's Day is on the way...(FML)

  The past three or four years I made cards (even before started dating, hence maybe 4?) for my now ex for either Valentine's or a double Pi(e) Day+St. Patty cards.  I loved making cute and/or elaborate cards for him.  I'd always get excited as I knew the delivery/day of receipt was upcoming--that was slightly more exciting than the holidays themselves were.  I was also always excited to see if he decided to send me anything also.  One year he drew me an anatomically correct heart and wrote me a poem.  Another year he drew me a little flower.  It was quite adorable.  Another year (last year actually) he flew down and visited me.  In retrospect that brings sad memories...

  You know, one of the things he told me after breaking up was that he didn't like how life was so exciting when he was with me.  He wanted a more "boring" life.  On one hand that sounds terrible, as if he just wants to settle or something like that.  On the other hand, I totally understood him since I feel the same way here sometimes--constant social engagements kind of sap a lot of energy from me (though I love occasional ones ..love my friends (:  ..!).  

  But that point was one thing that upset me the most.  It's like, since we were long distance, I always made an extra effort to make his visit more exciting--I'd plan things out and make sure he could get the best out of our time or things like that.  It's like my efforts didn't pay off, but instead backfired and shot me in the foot and maybe in the heart too.  I mean I'm perfectly okay with spending my time doing mundane things with people I care about, but we did that on webcam, like studying together or just talking.  Life doesn't have to be constantly high energy or anything like that with me, I just thought he might appreciate that I wanted to show him the highlights in my environment/place.  

  On that trip last year, I remember planning out a surprise candle-lit dinner.  I even sent him on a little mission to figure out how to make a smoothie to keep him clear from the dining area with the food and candles set up.  But he ruined my surprise by running into that room to sneeze because he was afraid to sneeze in the kitchen.  Fail!  Personal fail!  By I felt slightly devastated then too.  If only I had known that in the end all the surprises and shit were things that would turn him away from me...

  But whatever.  Better sooner rather than later right?  It's weird, I still can't get myself to stop caring about him though.  But then every once in a while I get a mean streak in me, during which I tell myself about how he's not worth spending my emotional sap on; but the thing was that no matter what, he was an important part of my past, and I should just focus on the things he did that made me a better person and a happier person, rather than the burnt feelings that kind of accompanied the end of our days together.  I find myself moving on in some ways, so I'm not a lost cause .

  I guess I can just look forward...someday I'll find someone who will like all the small things .  (Good song by Blink-182 btw!).

  I remember in elementary school decorating cards or just buying the lame-o pre-mades (in middle school they weren't lame when they were LOTR themed :3, lol)...it was always awkward making one for my back then crushes.  I don't think I made/wrote on them differently, I was just afraid to expose any feelings I might have had.  Haha, I was very furtive back then.  I didn't share anything personal back then.  Nowadays I'm pretty pathetic and kind of fail with hiding my feelings.  Haha, but that is giving me a fair share of embarrassment, I should really be a little more prideful and stop.  So if I lived in *old* days, I might make my currrrent crush :3 a nice Valentine's Day card...but alas, I live in the present & maybe I should spare myself some embarrassment (what say you?).  My friends already laugh whenever they see certain things because I (inadvertently) created an association for them by relaying them some of my stories.   

  Soooo...Anyone want to exchange cards? (:?
  

  I love sending and receiving mail (though I don't love my mailbox)!  But I have a really busy week coming up, so I prob can't make very many.  (: (: (:

  I know it's early to be talking V-day, but, if I'm mailing things I need extra buffer time to plan to send it early...also, V-day is on Sunday, so I gotta plan for the day before.  (It's also Chinese New Year!!)

  • 12:20 am
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