December 5, 2009

• Dear friends, family, acquaintances, and strangers,

  I had planned on being away from Xanga until Wednesday next week because of my exam weeks have arrived.  However, some news has disturbed me, so I am here to write a brief note...It is easy as a student to get carried away with thinking that things like school are the #1 priority, but there are definitely things that matter more in life than just that, so I'm writing as a catharsis and perhaps to get out a message to anyone who might come across this.

  It was brought to my attention that a boy I once knew recently committed suicide.  I met him maybe in the early days of middle school at a "technology camp" in Gainesville where we learned to assemble wooden toys.  After that camp, I only saw him a few times like whenever there were math competitions in Gainesville, or if I went to my brother's chess tournament (his younger brother occasionally plays against my brother).  The details of what happened are unclear to me other than he did it while away from home at college. 

  It got me wondering, what would cause a person to take their own life?  I know I have had really rough times that might have caused the idea to appear in my mind, but it's an action I would never take.  It is selfish; and in some ways it is pathetic, since in many ways it is giving up.*  It takes courage to overcome the fear of death-instinct, but it is still giving up.  Things like failure are supposed to be there to make you stronger, so you can learn from what you have done wrong.  It is human to make mistakes.  And many mistakes are blessings in disguise.  It just sometimes takes a long time to see how it was a blessing.  But I think that in the end, everything happens for a reason.

  If it is an act of vengeance, then besides the fact that it is still wrong, it is true that it will affect others greatly, but in the end, consider, who wins?  By living through difficult things, like say, humiliation, one can either prove themselves to be a better person and rise above that.  Or one can grow into a better person.  But by cutting it all off, there is no chance for self-redemption.  So what is the point?  The image or idea that one would leave behind is one that is probably perceived in Western culture to be cowardly and selfish.

  How about loneliness?  I'm sure that is often the final straw that might push someone in hard times towards acts like suicide.  I admit, it is hard to always live on our own wills.  There are days when we need our friends to put us back on our feet, or pat our backs; we need that little nudge that will remind us that we will make it through things.  But what happens when we feel like we don't have friends?  Some might turn inwards, some might keep floundering in search, some might turn cold.  When we feel like we don't have friends, then what can push us forward?  I guess the answer to that depends a lot on disposition. 

  Loneliness is experienced by all people at some point in life, and its effects can be fairly drastic.  I've been lonely in my life more than I care to admit.  I switched schools many times as a child, so when I finally settled at one school and had a well established group of friends for a number of years, parting with them (separated by cities, states, and simply schools) was probably one of the tougher things in life I had to work with.  I mean, after years of having the same friends and the same pool of people around, it's easy to forget how to make new friends when you already know who is and is not a friend.  So when I was once again thrown into a new environment come seventh grade, I was incredibly lonely.  It didn't help that it was middle school.  That time in life is particularly turbulent for socially insecure adolescents/pre-teens...So during those years I became much more introverted than I was before, and a good amount more shy/awkward.  But I spent a lot of introversion looking to see how I could learn to fit in more, or things like that.  In high school I experimented a little with watching television.  By watching Grey's Anatomy, I found that I was able to join conversations with people I hadn't been as comfortable with before, since I was able to have a small common ground.  Sure, it was substantial, but it was a foot in the door.

  But I digress.  Along the idea of loneliness, the main thing I wanted to say was that I'd like to offer my hand to anyone who might need it.  To my friends and family, I'm sure most of you already know that I am here for you, but sometimes it is nice to have things like that reiterated.  I know I may not always be the most rational, but I am open minded and am happy to listen or try to be there for you.  I may not express it explicitly or frequently, but I care a lot about you all, and things like your happiness matters more to me than things like my own happiness.  :]  Here's a song to you, just to remind you that I care:
  
  

    You Know Where to Find Me--Matthew West

  To my acquaintances and strangers, sometimes it is easier to talk to a total stranger because they have less on which to judge you; and at the same time, I suppose we can be more disposable that way too, since one can than choose to or not to continue talking to us, and with fewer emotional strings attached because of brief contact, the listener probably won't pursue the emotionally distressed if if given the impression that they are no longer needed.  I'm always happy to listen to people, and as I said before, I am fairly open minded and I am pretty good about being impartial so if you ever need to talk, or just vent, then know that you're not alone. :]  I'll try my best to make time, as long as I know I can help, or try. 

  I know a lot of times it is hard to believe that anyone will understand how you feel, and it might be true; but people can commiserate, and that is a way to remember you're not alone.  Also, don't underestimate the people around you; perhaps you are just good at hiding your true feelings...so people around you might not even know that you have wounds that you need help healing.  So sometimes you have to remember to reach out to other people in your times of trouble.  Vulnerability may seem like a weakness, but with it can come strength through things like fellowships.

  Swim -- Jack's Mannequin

  This song blocked out my thoughts of jumping out a window this summer. It means a lot to me, and I listen to it every time I feel down. I don't know how many more times I can recommend this song .

  • 7:12 pm
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