October 29, 2009
-
I just bought a ton of groceries today; I don't really know how I ended up spending the amount I did, but it should last me quite a while. For some reason, every time I walk into the kitchen, my appetite is gone though, despite all this tasty food. All I ate was a cup of yogurt. And my stomach is rumbling, but I don't have a mental appetite (only physical). So I'm not going to eat; it might just be me being tired of eating the same old thing. But that doesn't make sense because I bought fruits this time, a lot of fruits too, in fact. I want to be healthier, somewhat. I washed up the raspberries, but I don't want any right now. But many got squished, so I'm afraid to let them stay too long--they'll mold =. I bought frozen blueberries and cherries because they make excellent snacks. And three bananas, because I tire quickly of bananas. Bananas also make me laugh and I guess they make my roommate laugh now too, and it came with a fun sticker (a Halloween face :3).
I also bought new shampoo; probably not the best place to buy it (grocery store), but apparently now my hair can smell of white nectarine and pink coral flower. Which reminds me, now that my hair has grown longer, the amount of shampoo I use has increased significantly:
I think I was talking to my mom about this before, but in a way, long hair is consequently potentially worse for the environment. Not only does it require more shampoo, but more water to rinse out all the suds; not to mention the time that elapses while applying it. Then, longer hair takes longer to dry with hair dryers. This isn't so much an issue for me since I let my hair air dry, except during winter (wait, Florida has winters?..sigh). Furthermore, longer hair that gets trapped in drains probably create more blockage than shorter hair (maybe?). So then we would have to use strong chemicals to clear the drain...
I used to do this thing where I would cut my hair whenever I was upset; not a lot usually, but I suppose that is significantly better than cutting myself. The only times hair cuts were good then were during my impulsive days when I would get tired of the long hair and chop it off for Locks of Love (I think three times?). I guess this summer my desire to dye my hair weird shades were mostly another way to vent that out, since cutting hair, alone, wasn't quite cutting it. For some reason my mom seemed to think that it was me trying to do whatever she told me she would prefer that I not do; I'm old enough not to do things too much out of spite. And I'm not like that anyways. I am happy to be happier now, and sometimes I think my mode of thinking will change with this improving feeling:
As a kid, I never wanted to get married. I didn't think I could ever find someone that would love me entirely and forever. Reciprocation is also important of course, but I wonder if real love is possible (as opposed to obsession) without reciprocation? Because I would say that real love is unconditional. But if there is no reciprocation, how can you actually know the other person? During my time with my now ex- my perspective changed and I hoped that one day I would get married, though not necessarily with him. It was really nice having someone there, not out of obligation, but desire. I think I sometimes overestimate the extent to which I am introverted. Or perhaps that's just me having several sides to me. But I don't think it'd be so bad an idea now; but I would never settle for anything less than love. And love wouldn't be settling, it would be living (:. Exhilarating, for the most part. Even fights will be meaningful. I'd rather die alone than to settle.For a while I hoped to die at a certain age; I think I decided 75 would be good. One thing that scares me is not physical death, but mental death, or degradation. I can't imagine losing my identity, my memories. Physical things matter too of course; I don't want to deteriorate to become a burden. Which brings to mind Shakespeare:
Last scene of all,
That ends this strange eventful history,
Is second childishness and mere oblivion,
Sans teeth, sans eyes, sans taste, sans everything.I'm not so scared about death itself; it's a mystery, and the only mystery I probably can't just skip to the end to find out the results on. (Yes, I do that with a lot of books--ruin the ending for myself. But then I can mentally prepare myself if the ending is traumatic...[And yes, grammar fail due to a preposition at the end]). I'm scared of the process, though everyday that I live I am also dying.
But in some ways I realized that that wish is rather selfish; if I were to have grandchildren they would probably not get to know me; I wouldn't be there to celebrate their growth and their lives. But then I would save my hypothetical kids the trouble of having to take care of me along with all the other things in their lives. And I wouldn't be stuck in a nursing home--it wouldn't be the last thing I was left with before departing. It makes me sad to think of those who are in nursing homes...and it is like a major loss of independence that the elderly in such nursing homes probably feel. I was saddened today when I saw a really old lady struggling with her lawn mower; but then after a while I realized I should be happy for her that she was able to be up and about and was not bedridden ><.
I am still on the line on what to think, but I guess that's another thing about love. Of course I live for myself, but I also hope to find someone that would make me want to hang in there. I feel like a big part of myself is my drive to find use in life--I feel like if I were unable to be a doctor in the future and help people, better their lives, then my reason for living would be shattered. All the resources I have consumed, wasted. So I put my career as a student at utmost priority, because I could not be happy if things did not work out. Sure, there are other careers that I could pursue, and there are other ways to improving other peoples' lives, but I want a job that I will be happy to do everyday. I don't want to drag myself to work, I want to embrace it. I also want to find someone that would tether my soul to the Earth so long as they are alive. But perhaps that is not realistic. But I sometimes hear those stories about the couple that was married forever and died a few minutes within each others deaths...Thinking of love that way makes it sweet, but I guess kinda creepy too. It's just one of those giant mysteries of life (sigh).This wasn't entirely coherent I don't think. But that's just because I'm confused about what I think.
Comments (14)
Lol! love the visual aid.
yeha, i dont know what my feelings on getting married is.. these days ppl get divorces like it's a regular bf/gf break up haha
I used to cut my hair based on the balance between the cost of a haircut and the cost of buying extra shampoo. When it was cheaper to get a haircut than buy more shampoo, I got the haircut.
Yes you will find the love of your life Melinda .
Probably you work too much at this time and this cuts your appetite . Get a good balance , please .
Encouragements
In friendship
Michel
@assassynative -
Yeaaaaaah. Divorce rates are ridiculous; O_O As a side note, it makes me wonder why they're so eager to defend the institution of marriage from the LGBT community; I think I view divorces in worse light than the idea of gay marriage, but that's just me. (shrug) Wonder what would happen if getting divorced became illegal (unless there was abuse or something). (lol, then maybe no one would get married)...
@phantomFive -
Hahaha, that's amazing! XD!!!! !! lol, did you calculate the amount of shampoo you used/cost per fl oz. or whatever? How many washes per bottle? (it'd be too easy to lose track of that
). I generally cut my own hair, except when donating to L.o.L. (:, so that method wouldn't work for me 
...shampoo would thus always cost more -_-..
i guess i have been killing the environment with my pocahontas long hair all these years :<
Nah, just one day I realized, wow, my shampoo is going down fast! Then I decided I needed to cut my hair because of the impact to my budget. Frankly I would have gotten my hair cut eventually anyway/
RYC : Thank you Melinda for your kind comment ?. You sensitivity and kindness reinforce me in my conviction expressed in my comment above .You will find a true love .
In friendship
Michel
Haha, I like the visual you made.
I guess I have a more optimistic view of life. I've never really thought about the inevitability of physical and mental death.
@NUKES_are_AWESOME -
That's because you are Renfei/Chuck Norris!
Just kidding
. That's good though, to be optimistic. I have those days when I'm super lively, and then it all comes crashing on other days. -_- I miss you! When are you coming home!! ?
The sad thing is that almost everything about us, not only our hair, is environmentally unfriendly
This is kinna going off on a tangent, but I was getting a ride home from my roommate today when on the freeway, we just saw the guy in the passenger side of the car in front of us toss a soda can out the window. When I was taking classes at UH during a summer semester back in high school, I was walking behind this gross, kissy-wissy adult couple after class when I saw the girl just stick her empty drink cup into a bush they were walking by. I was pissed off to no end at how immature and inconsiderate they were. I guess back then I was too reserved to actually say anything about it, so I just picked up their trash and threw it away myself, but if it were today, I would probably call both of them out and give them a piece of my mind. Honestly, I don't see a very bright future for our environment...though it's great that a lot more people are making an effort to become environmentally conscious nowadays, it doesn't seem like it's enough and there are an overwhelming number of people out there who negate those efforts with thoughtless actions... 
When it comes to the matter of love, the thought of having to settle is unsettling
I'm also terrified of mental death or degeneration... loss of sense of identity, loss of memory, loss of physical function...I don't know how meaningful life could be like that. That's why it's so important to me to be physically and mentally actie. The teacher of one of my previous cello teachers passed away two years ago at a pretty ripe age...and she was just on the panel for my cello jury at the end of the semester a few weeks previous. She was really lively, talkative, and gave me lots of great advice, and apparently she could still play amazingly...in fact, I have a feeling that it's because she was so active in teaching, playing, and interacting with students, that her mental faculty was pretty on par with that a young person's, despite her apparent physical age. To me, that's what being alive is... it was really great that she was able to live so fully until the day she died, unlike the case of many others who seem to merely exist without living for months or even years because of mental or physical degeneration before they actually pass away. I've seen seemingly 60+ yr. old grandpas running 9-minute miles...uphill :P
@a_drunken_cellist -
On the bright side, for non-bald people, it can conserve some energy that we might use to keep us warm during the winter
. And also I heard that we can cut our hair and throw it outside for birds. Apparently they'll make nests out of our hair. Not sure if it is true or not, but then it isn't all bad. Ish. (Actually that reminded me of a book from my childhood called "No Roses for Harry"...the dog hated its sweater and I think a bird ended up using its yarns for a nest?).
Aww, that's really sweet of you
. I hate when people do that, but I'm still too mousy and/or reserved to call them out. It really doesn't take that much more work to put stuff in the garbage can (or to recycle, really). What really baffles me is when I see people litter in *National Parks*. In those cases you would expect that they would see how pristine the world could be and try harder to preserve it. Another part can be ignorance too though. Like how most people don't realize how releasing balloons into the sky kills countless sea turtles each year 
. I mean it's a cute whimsical idea, but it's quite hazardous (same with plastic bags though). It's kind of weird to think of how invasive we are. Though other animals can be pretty destructive too (ahem, beavers).
Haha, that set off a small train of thoughts. --> The Sound of Settling (song by Death Cab for Cutie) --> xkcd!
I think a lot of studies suggest that being physically active is an important component in staying mentally intact. So I suppose staying physically active can be hitting to birds with one stone. I'm not exactly sure how all of that works though. But it's always good to stay on the safe side O_~. (: Aww, she was really lucky then, but I guess she could attribute that to her own hard work n_n (or since she enjoyed it, I guess it might not be called "work") O_~. It is people like that that are inspirational. I actually saw a news video on "the Iron Nun" (almost 80 years old and doing triathlons..O_O!). It kinda made me want to start training. But right now I'm already overstretching my time resources, it seems. o_o
Ahaha...that xkcd comic is epic...
Yeah, I remember some studies found that people who exercised more were less likely to get Alzheimer's. It wouldn't be a surprise if exercise helped to prevent other types of mental degeneration.
I'm gonna have to look up this Iron Nun person lol...that's just insane.