September 5, 2009

• There is this boy that I know that I remembered (prior to becoming acquainted) for looking incredibly glum.  He always looked upset--it was kind of upsetting to see him look so upset all the time.  So though I don't know him too well I asked him why he didn't smile more:

  "There's nothing to smile about".

  I laughed and told him I would put it in my blog.  I told him it was one of the most ridiculous things I have heard--not in a rude way, but in an I'm-positive way.  Then I think he laughed at me for having a blog and asked if I wrote for an audience.  I don't; I write mostly for myself.  But I always try to be positive, so I smile a lot.  Sometimes when we act one way we convince ourselves to be that way (it was in a psych text).  So even when I'm unhappy sometimes I fake it, and then I do become happy, after a while of course.

  But you'll fight and you'll make it through
  
  You'll fake it if you have to
  
  And you'll show up for work with a smile
  
  You'll be better
  
  And You'll be smarter
  
  And More grown up and a better daughter or son
  
  And a real good friend
  
  And you'll be awake
  
  You'll be alert
  
  You'll be positive though it hurts.
  (A Better Son/Daughter--Rilo Kiley)

  Ah, I think one thing that has been helping me heal is reflecting on what I am searching for as compared to what my ex- had.  Every once in a while I wonder how we even held out so long; and I feel upset about our misunderstandings. 

  Sometimes I get frustrated because he brought out the best in me for the most part, but there was one trait that he brought out that I hate myself for--jealousy.  He felt the need to 'protect' me from jealousy by purposefully omitting things like names of friends that were girls; but in doing so he made me feel more jealous because I knew what he was up to and I felt like he was trying to be deceitful that way.  Honestly, I didn't care if he had friends that were girls because I too had friends that were guys.  As long as he kept me informed so I can assess things for myself.  Funny thing is, the only girl I was really jealous of, back in the days, is the girl he is now dating.

  So in the future I want someone who will be honest with me and clear about everything.  I think I would have been more trusting also if we weren't in a long distance relationship. 

  I want someone who can communicate.  I don't want someone that was as complicated as he was--he spoke in riddles sometimes and then expected for me to decode everything.  But I'm one of those person who likes things to be plainly put because otherwise I might over think and draw conclusions that are far-fetched.

  I think I would need someone who was naturally romantically inclined too.  For some reason, I ended up being sappy, though I grew up in a household that seemed somewhat devoid of romance.  And so I love paying attention to all the small things and creating little surprises here and there.  I think that overwhelmed my ex- because he wasn't a romantic but felt inclined to perform similar surprises (which I didn't ask for but certainly appreciated the effort).  I think that I am largely driven by love, and for that reason I still care about him and have been striving hard not to be resentful, though he betrayed me on many levels.

  But there were traits of his that I'll be searching for in any future relationship.  His sense of humor; I've never fallen for someone without humor--it's always those goofy people that attract me.  And intelligence.  Thoughtfulness--in both senses of the word--thinks a lot and thinks a lot for others (he was more the former than the latter, but both are important!!).  And when he loved me, he accepted my flaws and just always told me I was beautiful.  With him I learned to be comfortable with my own skin, and with him I became slightly more confident.  So I hope to find another that in those respects are like him.

  I think I also have a tendency to like awkward people.  (Maybe because I am awkward too!) 

  Ah, love.  Sometimes I am afraid I'll get too scared to love again because it hurts so damn much.  This summer was probably one of the roughest summers I have lived through.  There were so many days in which I had to restrain myself from throwing myself out the window; I lost my appetite and lost over 20 pounds as a result.  I cried, and I tried to stay human and prevent my memories from becoming tarnished. 

  But I lived and am going through a process in which I'm trying to let the sparkle that came with him fade;
  
  The tunnel vision that has lasted for three or four years (I liked him and only him for a year prior to dating) is slowly wearing off and I'm not sure if that is cause to celebrate or cry.  Because with it comes a change in what I used to think of love--I thought it was a one-shot thing.  I thought I would find the love of my life and I thought it was him; perhaps I just haven't found him yet!  Or I don't know. 

  Ah, I'm convinced that I am young still.  And all this is so poorly written because I think but then I don't want to think about past stuff.  Which in a way is why I won't be talking to him for a long time, though we are still friends in a sense.

  • 2:26 pm
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