August 25, 2009

• Today I decided to say goodbye to my ex- for the time being.  I am afraid that it might be a big mistake on my behalf since we were best friends prior to breaking up.  It is hard losing a best friend, but we've been on really shaky ground since then anyways.  But this made sense to me because when I share pieces of myself with others I make myself more vulnerable to them.  And by stopping communication with him, I will eventually reach a point where we can just be friends, and that's it.  For a long time I thought that being friends would be good enough for me, and that it was all I needed from him.

  And that's true, just a truth that has to wait.  I still care immensely for him, so this time away will be hard.  But our friendship will have to wait because I need that space to heal.  I need to stay open to the friends of mine that are here for me, and try my best to still believe that there is a greater love out there for me. And the day I am better I will seek to continue our friendship, if both of us find it worth it when that day comes.

  So my heart is pretty heavy today.  But I think it is the right choice.

  ---

  So what brought up that train of thought to begin with?

  Well, I had pretty much not thought about him for days while in Peru--what a get away!  But while we were hiking the Inca trail by the fourth day, I thought of him.  It was really strange how my thoughts reached him actually.  I was angry at my brother because of something silly he had done, and thought to myself that I needed to just learn to move on and not be so angry at him.  It wasn't a big deal.  Then the thoughts of moving on brought me to think of how I hadn't even seriously done much moving on from Jason.  All I had done was accept the fact that he both lit up my face and brought me to tears. 

  So here I am hiking the Inca trail with ugly tears clouding my vision.  I felt quite miserable.  Fortunately, most people were in a rush, because we had started hiking sometime around 6 AM in hopes of reaching Machu Picchu by sunrise.  The tour guides noticed my crying and thought that I was crying because I was so moved by seeing Machu Picchu for the first time.  My parents thought I was crying out of frustration.  So pretty much no one new why I was crying, except my sister who actually asked.  So at that point I decided that I could move on best by cutting him off, just for a bit, and because I have to.

  Here are pictures; I'm absent from many because my face was probably splotchy from crying (ah, how embarrassing.  I am like the prideful flower from The Little Prince--embarrassed about my weaknesses -_-):

  

  Oh, important notice!

  Do not drink alcohol in high altitudes/if you're doing any climbing! (I'm so dumb )

  I wanted an icy drink, so I grabbed one that was passionfruit flavored (after arriving at Machu Picchu we took a bunch of pictures, grabbed a drink, and then returned to take a tour).  It had Pisco in it, and I thought that surely it was just there for flavoring, so there probably wouldn't be much alcohol in it.  I almost blacked out at Machu Picchu.  (shameful!)  It's kind of funny since I almost never drink.  And that day I started drinking at 8 AM.  (Who does that?)

  Pre-Pisco

  

  Mom with her pack when we first arrived in the area; large packs like ours were banned, so we had to put ours away.

  

  (~7AM)

  Post Pisco (maybe 10 or 11 AM)

  

  

  

  (Michelle, Michael, Dad, Mitch)

  It was funny that we spent 4 days hiking to Machu Picchu but spent so little time there (my family probably left around 11:30?) (as a collective group; generally speaking--our group was of 16 hikers + 21 porters + 2 guides).  I think by day 4 everyone was tired, the sun was strong, and we had already seen a lot of ruins by then (mostly tired).  It was quite lovely though, though more lovely when the sun was rising still (fewer 'lazy tourists' a.k.a. the ones with perfume looking at us with disdain for our dirty hiking garb ).

  More stories and commentary later.  Whoo! 

  • 6:04 pm
  • 4 Comments