June 22, 2009

• What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. (James 4:14)

  I am not afraid of death, only regrets that I would have if I was unable to say or do things that I truly felt. 

  I don't really like feeling bridled and restrained in what I can say, but there are some things that just are not right to say.  I cannot help but to hope that this is just a time that we can take to grow up, and one day we might be together again.  But even that thought isn't even right. 

  When I come to believe something, I tend to develop an almost unshakable belief in it.  It takes me a while to start believing things, anyhow. 

  It has been more than a month since Jason dumped me, and I am regaining a little strength.  Step by step, one day I might be alright again.  But I don't honestly think that I can love the way I did before.  I spent more than three years building him into my life, and he shaped the way I think and act, since he entered my life at such crucial points.  We were so young, but I thought we grew up together and were ready to face the future together.  We are still young.  Something in the bottom of my heart tells me that things would have been perfect had I tried to go to school somewhere closer (what if?).  But I don't know, and it is too late, I think.  Who knows, maybe there is a chance for new 'love', but I feel like real love is a one time thing.  I was too naive and let my guard completely down.  I gave too much.  That is just too dangerous; but at the same time, that is just how I am, once I trust. 

  It is hard for me not to be angry at myself for reading all those books that gave me delusional beliefs in love.  Those haunting and endless loves.  Those books (Austen, Bronte sisters, etc.) kind of turned my mind and heart into mush. 

  Maybe this is the time for me to grow a shell to hide myself from the realities of those things; or maybe I should just learn to be vulnerably strong.  I don't really know.  It is a turning point in life and I am not really sure where I am to go.  I don't really want to change; I actually like myself the way I am (except I wish I was a little more pro-active instead of passive; and maybe I can use more confidence).  But then I hurt so much, and dwelling on the past and the would have been future just crush me.  The pain kind of reassures me into knowing that what I felt was real, but I don't need pain to know that it was real (bleed just to know you're alive).

  Ah, I don't know.  I'm not done sorting through my hurt.  But I am grateful to my family and friends who have been helping me through this tough time.  There is one friend I have yet to speak to, but I know she'll be understanding, once I reach out for the help.  I just need to start composing my message; not sure when I can.  One month, and I still feel raw.  But I am getting number, like a metal friend, a robot.  (Good and bad.)

  • 9:07 pm
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